On Saturn Returns, loss and burying yourself

Hello hi, 

It’s been a minute. The first couple months of 2021 have felt like a fever dream. I have been within life changes and growing like I really never expected. My Saturn Return is fully underway and theydies, I thought I was prepared for how intense this might be. 

Narrator: No, she was not. 

The beginning of the year saw me going through a dip of sorts, the after-effects of the last year, the ongoing pandemic and “realising things” like Kylie hit me harder than I thought. 

Your Saturn Return asks you to define you for yourself. Not for your family. Not for society. Not for any fantasy anyone else has of you. 

CHANI app

And well, that has been happening. 

It feels like everything I know has changed and evolved. I turn 30 in about three months and my life looks nothing like what I imagined for myself at one point. Isn’t that the joy of growing up? 17 year old me really thought I’d be married by 23 with kids. Let us all laugh together.  

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve re-evaluated a lot of my relationships, my interactions on social media and my career. I don’t know if it’s just getting older or latent trauma but I find myself being online less. At one point, there was too much happening and not enough time or energy to share it. I’ve delved into astrology, understanding my birth chart and got more insight on why I am the way I am – aka full woo woo bitch. 12H stellium, hello. 

I keep telling friends that it feels like I’ve buried several versions of myself.

Nothing is the same, everything is different and whatever I thought was important just doesn’t matter as much. I don’t know if it’s grief, age or the reality that what I wanted at 23 doesn’t fit my life now. Sometimes you get the things you thought you wanted and realise it’s not what you need anymore. Working through that is a mission and I don’t think anyone prepares you for how rapidly your mindset can change when you’re growing up.

In the last five months, I buried a family member, went back into fulltime 9 to 5 life and through the dips of existing as a human being. I know we’re all going through it. 2021 doesn’t feel like 2020 all over again, it’s like the wizened demon at the bottom of the pit. You already know life has gone to Hell but there’s no guidebook to what’s crawling out next. 

Anyways, my sanity has been held together by fantasy books, kpop and ASMR videos. I try to be as candid as possible because I appreciate honesty about struggles and it seems to resonate with the people who read this blog. I am slowly figuring out what it is I need and want. And at least I know what I no longer want to start off with.

I’m back to writing on here, sharing information and I hope you find it useful. 

x A

2 thoughts on “On Saturn Returns, loss and burying yourself

  1. Oh, the wonder, the joys, the gruelling pains of the Saturn Return. Thank you for this, Alyx. I am finding myself grappling with the meaning of surrender through my own. What it looks like, what it feels like, and the realization that the more I do the more there is space for expansion. Sending you love and light as you make and find your way.

    1. Ahhh, thank you for reading! I’m still figuring shit out but I know this is meant to happen so I grow. In a few years I’ll understand the catalyst behind this all. I hope your journey is just as insightful x

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