Ella.

Grief doesn’t loosen its grip easily. The parts of you untainted by loss- simply cease to exist after that moment.
My best friend passed away in a car accident- three years ago.

She was barely twenty years old.

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I would sometimes look at her and wonder how did she even become friends with me? Who was I – this eighteen year old brat to deserve friendship like this?
How lucky was I to know her.

I never expected to lead a life without this kind of friendship in it.
I hadn’t experienced pain that felt like  my core was splitting – that my foundation was crumbling. I felt like I had nothing but sheer pain and utter self-loathing to crawl under.

And crawl underneath it I did.
To say I spiralled out of control was an understatement.

My heart had never felt so heavy – so clumsy and broken. I turned to things that help you forget and getting lost in them never did the trick. I understood now when people said their world turned grey.

I tried to negotiate parts of my soul within anything that seemed exciting.
I was reckless. All because I had lost a loved one, was heartbroken and I wanted the world to know it.

But three years later – I can say that I kept my promises to her.

And that listening to certain songs don’t make me cry as much as I used to.

And yes, grief doesn’t loosen it’s grip easily.
But sometimes instead of feeling like it’s choking you.

It just holds onto your hand.

Rest In Peace AJ – my heart is wiser for knowing you.

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